Feeling bummed out
Hi readers. It's 9:45PM, just finished up playing video games with my sis and honestly it's starting to make me sit here and really think about my past week so far...
Nothing really significant has been moving in a good direction for me. Or maybe not "good", because that would imply something was "bad" but it's not bad. It's simply... Meaningless.
I don't know. I'm honestly just lost in a lot of ways that's not really easy to express. Trying hard to not put too many Ellipsis so easily (that's the three dots ...). So I'm sorry if this post seems lame compared to the last ones.
On good news, I've been progressing really well in Lost Judgment so that's good I guess.
And that's about it honestly with good news. See what I mean? It's just small good news, no bad news, and a lot of just grey. Maybe it's because I've been lacking real work to do? That's possibly it. Being stuck in this limbo of doing nothing to stress me, it forces my compartmentalization to decompose and all the shit I was storing in the back of my mind is springing back into the front. That's the consequences of being busy: you run from something you don't wanna deal with. Work addiction is real because some people want to run from their social life. Sort of like me I guess.
But now it's summer break, and I got a zoom meeting for my Co-op advisor, so I'll be still moving somewhat forward... just not sure if I even feel fulfilled to do anything anymore honestly. It also might be due to the fact that I've been jacking off so much it probably numbed me and playing a game so dedicated and constantly I must've just felt rubbed out. Ain't that funny? You wait on something, you beg "Ugh, why can't my work just stop so I can play/watch this!?" and when work does end, and you got all the time, it turns into "Well now I don't even wanna touch it" or "Well now I'm doing it and it's boring as hell"
Covid felt like that, odd how it came back to haunt me like it did 6 years ago when I just started. Missing out lots of school in-person wasn't easy so I guess it definitely changed something in me for long. Crazy how we reflected on it shortly in 2023 and just moved on in 2024, acting like that period meant nothing.
Can't believe it. Genuinely can't believe it's 2026. I have no idea why I'm still alive and still get stuck with this feeling of loneliness. Despite having friends and family. To be fair, the only person I've been loving being with lots is one person who I can only meet IRL outside of my family. But even they're a fucking conundrum when it comes to feelings. My sis is probably the only stable connection I have from this reality to my mind, even if she's 6000 miles far away from me. Odd, huh?
It's also probably worth saying I've been dealing with refreshed trauma too, been reflecting on my past harmful times. I really don't feel like derailing this post into it. So in short, it's basically just my past of being harmed coming back to haunt me with questions of "Did you cause that?" "It was your fault, huh?" "You're ruined because of this, now it's gonna be years of recovering from this" and all sorts of unnecessary shit. Oh well, whatever.
I don't really wanna trauma dump you readers, and honestly I'm not even sure if I'll be posting this. But I can't lie, it's hard living this life without having a second person coming in and saying "Hey, you're doing fine". Because no matter how many times I self-affirm and keep myself alive and think "It's only temporary. It's only temporary. It's only temporary" it's only a matter of time until my fucking mind breaks and I'll have no safety net to stop my mind from going beyond what it can rationally understand anymore.
I'm fine now though. Because I know that if you're reading at this fucking point... you might be a real one. And if you want, if you know me personally, do message me and let me know because I would love to hear from who genuinely cares about my wellbeing. Because remember; we might suffer great in this life, and we may have no meaning, but that pain becomes ours to define what meaning it will end up with. If I can love myself to keep going, you can too, and if you don't, well someone does, and I and many people on this world would probably love ya <3
It's the harsh world that makes us bad people, not other people. I see nothing bad in human beings in general, I see only behaviors that we inherit and we're struggling to understand what to stand for, and what to drop. Is it so bad to help each other out if we were built to do that by the very fiber of our beings? People who break that and become "evil" simply are people who lost hope, and they'll be able to find hope again if everyone else just stop being dickheads.
I don't know... it's alot, and I'm being DM'd by someone so I'll just wrap this post up for you readers. I love you all, despite the fact that I might not know you at all, I know it's a human being reading. You're all people who can try. That's the least we can all do. Try to do a bit of good. To ourselves, or to others.
Sorry if this post is such a bummer, albeit that's kinda the point, just being honest to you readers. And I might be in a bit of a small hiatus like always but do check in when you have time. I'm just taking my time to be going easy.
here is the post song, feels fitting for what I've been writing and I love the artist's cover of radiohead's own original song. No surprises