idk, late rambling
(Context note: Hi, future me here lol. So I wrote this very late, at 1-2AM or something like that. I wasn't really in a good head space and this might contain embarrassing confessions and most of all self-harm topics so please consider yourself WARNED!)
so it's 12:35AM...
I'm sitting in the living room, I was crying not too long ago, just few hours, and just hours and hours of listening to Alkaline Trio songs. See, I really like Alkaline trio songs but I genuinely hate their new fucking songs. I don't actually even like punk rock alone, I usually love listening to old country yodeling songs for fun. But with my personal turmoil, I've been resonating to something back when I was a teen feeling angst. I know this is so fucking cheesy and boring and probably normie shit but I look at Emily is Away and think about the character Eve? Since that character is the reason i explored alkaline trio, it's kinda hard for me to lie and not admit that I genuinely was in an emo phase? i just didn't dedicate into any looks but I write lots (duh).
So it's not just that, but Eve is probably the first character I got obsessed with this hopeless figure of feeling kinda like just a trophy to be wanted? Like more than that; Eve to me represented this relationship with a girl who isn't "normal", and neither "quirky", it's dark, scary, maybe even dangerous or even dubious and questionable. Traumatized, traditional, all of that. I put words but I can't really tell you why... well a few I can but I can't promise it will make sense. I like the emo trope because it often brings the other sub-categories open: Punk, Goth, Deathrock, Trad Goth, Emo Pop, Ska Punk, etc etc I'm not gonna vomit more terms, you know what I mean. It's alot.
In that sense, I gotten into the character development and writing was one way for me to explore and understand what it means to be like Eve. I am mostly using my memory to tell you this, I should play that game again. But anyways, from memory, I remember how this character was dark and scary, maybe dangerous; it's this idea that there is people in our lives or people we know who have in their lives who often hide into the darkness because of many, multitude reasons. It's mostly a teenage phase but often it can spill over into young adulthood too. And for some reason these people hold an aura that resonates to perhaps in my eyes the night figures of the wilderness. AKA PREDATORS! But not in the creep way, in a way that resembles back in our cave-man brains when we used to be scared lots of wolves, but if we saw a human who was mostly secluded and wore wolf fur as a trophy, we instantly want them to be in our lives more and get intruiged... or we ignored them and they died alone lmao. But anyways, the point is that this darkness aura was intoxicating in a hormone-filled teenage brain that was basically looking for cool people since day 1.
I also mention how Eve as a character was also traumatized and traditional. I can answer traditional easily: I remember oh yeah SPOILERS SPOILERS ON EMILY IS AWAY DO NOT READ (gotta figure out how markdown lets me mark text red, maybe?), anyways Eve in the story for the most part usually talk to you, the player, and she commmunicated how she wants to get out of their shitty town (Natick I think?) and just live somewhere, I think somewhere in canada perhaps? Point is, they want to start a family, that's the niche on Eve as opposed to Emily who was not so into starting a family. Which I found odd but it's true; it seems like for the most part, this pool of goth and emo (I know, not the same folks, but lets be honest here) there is an unusual high concentration of traditional values perpetuating through the mold of being young and wanting to die young. Now please note, not everyone is like that when they are emo and goth obviously, especially some emo folks are absolutely not like that when it comes to well... that's beyond what i should say.
Ugh, great, late night writing on characteristics of some stupid fucking old game and I'm looking at my friends playing minecraft and it's 1AM now OH MY GOD UUUGHGGHHGHG CLEARLY I am in some lonely pain because I was suffering something earlier. But this just helps my point on the emo character: I am a natural night owl. I love staying up at night and sleeping through the day. Ofcourse I can't do this during college for lots of reasons but often I think I am my most self in the point of darkness rather than talking during the day. The sunlight through the windows feel like it's making me nude and gross, but night time it makes my voice free and hides my ugly figure. It's kinda brings the dark but real subject; self-harm.
Lets be real, it's not really a talk about emo characters if we don't address the writers guilt-pleasure to write self-harm scars. It's not inherently bad, I actually spent a time of my writing life making these short stories of individuals either actively harming themselves or used to and hold scars. mostly because I felt related to this dark era in my life when I wanted to cut my arms so bad, I eventually did light small cuts that made me bleed but left no scars really. However I dated a girl who did scar herself, and ironically was the most... what's the word... "idgaf about life I just wanna dance and talk loudly" with her scarred arms so... I guess it's just a common thing with anyone???? This writing got confusing... I should sleep lol